He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
