I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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