A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have already put on my inside pants.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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