I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
