I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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