I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
