She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
