So drunk its hurt
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
