So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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