this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
