Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
