there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
