My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
