The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
