Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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