i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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