my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
