i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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