The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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