Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
