I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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