Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
