i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
