if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this just has baby written all over it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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