So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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