I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
