Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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