it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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