I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
