Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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