Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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