I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
