We're like a lot better than the average bears
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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