Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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