dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
