I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
