if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
