I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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