i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
