I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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