just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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