I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
