dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
