I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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