I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
