THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
