he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
