Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
