Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
