dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
