I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
