you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
