I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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