You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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