Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
