I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my sisters under your porch take her home
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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