You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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