Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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